


but then we laugh until it disappears

by ivyrobinsonn



Category: Heartstopper (Webcomic), Solitaire - Alice Oseman
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Late Night Conversations, Other, Suicide mention, Support, eating disorder mention, i wrote this at 2am
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-19
Updated: 2020-09-19
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:35:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,801
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26541520
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ivyrobinsonn/pseuds/ivyrobinsonn
Summary: tori and nick have a chat about charlie after his suicide attempt and try to help each other through the emotions that come with that.i wrote this at 2am while listening to punisher by phoebe bridgers if that explains this fics quality/content any better.tw !! // talk of suicide attempts, talk of eating disorders.
Relationships: Nick Nelson/Talking About His Feelings, Tori Spring/ Forgiving Herself
Kudos: 46





	but then we laugh until it disappears

Its been a week and a half since Charlie went to the hospital and Tori still can't stop replaying that night in her head. Somehow, the memories are foggy and crystal clear at the same time. She doesn't sleep, she doesn't eat, she doesn't think, she can barely even breathe. It's the middle of the night and the knowledge that Charlie is off in some uncomfortable psych ward bed instead of just down the hall sits like a ton of bricks on her chest. She contemplates texting Becky, her only friend, but decides not to. This isn't something that Becky would understand or even care about. She's heard that writing things in a journal can be therapeutic but she doesn't think that she could even muster up the energy to get out of bed and write everything down. Sadness isn't something that Tori is unfamiliar with. She's used to lonely nights accompanied by sad indie music and a few tears, but she has never felt pain like this. The sadness, the shock, the guilt, the fear-it fills Tori's veins like an inky sludge, slowly consuming her whole. It's in her brain and her lungs and covering all of her limbs and dammit she's thinking so hard that she can't breathe.

She thinks about Charlie, her baby brother Charlie. She thinks about all the times she noticed something was wrong and said nothing. The memories from the past months play in her head like a film reel. She noticed it all. She noticed when he stopped eating, when the bags under his eyes grew darker and darker every day, how he didn't laugh anymore, how all of his smiles were forced, and she didn't say anything. She didn't say anything. She didn't tell her parents. She didn't just talk to him. Why didn't she just talk to him? No matter how hard she tries, she can't stop thinking about the day it all happened. Charlie seemed fine. They made small talk while they brushed their teeth together and spent the afternoon playing trucks with Oliver. It was a normal day until she found a card laying on her pillow. Everything happened so fast once she opened it. The memories come to her in sounds. The sound of her feet running down the hall to Charlie's room, knocking on the bathroom door with all of her strength, screaming for her parents, the sirens, her dad sitting with Oliver in his room, and telling him not to be afraid and that everything would be alright. Everything was not alright. 

Tori chokes out a sob and then realizes the tears streaming down her face. Every moment from the past week swells in her chest and explodes through her veins. There is no air to breathe. There is nowhere to go. She cant think. Her body is running on autopilot as she picks up her phone and types out a message. 

**Tori Spring:** hey. are you awake? (01:17)

 **Nick Nelson:** i am. is everything ok? (01:18)

 **Tori Spring:** i know that this is so stupid and pathetic but i really need to talk to someone and i think you're the only real option. you can say no if you want. i dont want to keep you up (01:18)

 **Nick Nelson:** its alright. i couldn't sleep anyway. you want to talk about charlie i suppose ? (01:20)

 **Tori Spring:** if that's okay. i know its tough for you too and i dont want to salt the wound or anything i just think you're the only person that understands. (01:20)

 **Nick Nelson:** its ok. i think that it would be good for both of us to talk about it. (01:21)

 **Nick Nelson:** can i pick you up in 10 and we can drive and talk for a while ? (01:21)

 **Tori Spring:** sure. i need to get out of this damn house (01:24)

Nick's car is in the driveway ten minutes later. Tori leaves out the front door. Her parents are too deep in sleep to hear her walk out of the house and even if they did notice, they already had too much on their hands with everything going on with Charlie. They wouldn't even notice she was gone anyway. 

"Thanks for picking me up. I'm having a.. tough night" Tori sniffs as she slinks into the passenger seat of Nick's tiny Fiat. 

"No worries. I'm not doing too keen either" Nick replies. His messy hair sticks out from the hood of a dark blue hoodie. Tori lets out a deep exhale and looks down at her shoes. She doesn't know where to start so she stays quiet until it all comes tumbling out of her. 

"I'm so sorry, Nick. This is my fault." It comes out as a sob and it takes her a moment to even realize what shes said. 

"Tori" Nick sighs. He looks at her with the sort of pain in his eyes that she can't explain. She can't bear to look at him so she returns her gaze quickly to her shoes, "That's not true at all." 

"I knew, Nick, I knew that he was hurting and I didn't do anything" Tori chokes. 

"That doesn't mean its your fault. You shouldn't have to carry that guilt with you, Tori." Nick assures her. Its quiet for a moment till Nick speaks again. "He loves you so much, you know that, right? You're like his favorite person in the universe." 

"I don't believe that. I'm just his sad older sister who doesn't ever leave her room." 

"It's true. He thinks you're the greatest sister in the world. And, no matter what you do, you'll never be as terrible as a sibling as my older brother, David." 

"I didn't know that you were an only child" Tori mumbles. 

"Yeah. I don't like to talk about him. If I can just pretend that he doesn't exist then I don't have to think of all the shit he's done to me." Nicks hands tighten around the steering wheel and then loosen again. 

"I'm sorry. For everything." Tori whispers. 

"I'm sorry too" Nick weakly replies. They drive in silence again. Tori leans her head against the window and looks up at the sky. The sky is clear and there are so many stars. It feels like a slap in the face. How could something so beautiful exist during such a terrible time? The cold glass against her temple keeps Tori grounded in reality. Nick pulls into a 24-hour petrol station and parks the car. 

"Do you want me to get you anything. Lemonade?" he asks as he fishes his wallet out of his flannel pajama pants.

"Diet, please." Nick just nods and closes the car door. He returns quickly with a bottle of diet lemonade and a coke. 

"Thanks," Tori quietly replies, taking the bottle from Nick's hand. It's not her favorite brand, but it will do. It's the thought that counts. 

"You're welcome," Nick replies. He pulls his car out of the parking lot and they're driving again. 

"I thought that we'd talk about Charlie tonight but I have no idea what to say. I don't even know where to start or how to find the words." Nick mumbles. 

"Me neither." Tori sighs. 

"I wish that it could take it all away from him. He doesn't deserve to go through any of this. Charlie has never done anything to deserve all the shit that he's gone through." 

"That's what I'm saying. Why Charlie?" She takes a sip of her lemonade and trains her eyes on the road ahead. 

"I'm just glad that he's alive. God, I'm so glad that he's alive." Nick huffs. 

"Me too. I dont know what I would have done if he wasn't. I dont think that I could ever live with myself." 

"I just want to help him get better." Nick confesses, "I just want to fix him and I can't and that's the worst part about it. I can't just flip a switch and make him stop hurting and that makes me so sad." 

"I know that feeling" Tori chuckles under her breath and looks over at Nick. "I think that you just being there for him is all that matters. I think that that's really all we can do. Just try and be there." 

"Yeah." Nick agrees, "Have you gone to visit him at the new hospital yet?" 

"No. I helped him bring his stuff over a few days ago but I haven't spent a ton of time with him since he was in A&E. Mum and Dad think that he needs some time to settle in on his own. I dont like thinking of him being there all alone though." 

"Neither do I but he's in good hands I'm sure. I think the people there can give him a lot more help than we can." Tori nods in agreement. The car goes silent again. Tori fidgets with the cap of her lemonade before looking over at Nick again. 

"Thank you for being there for him when I wasn't. I'm really glad that Charlie has a boyfriend like you." Tori says quietly, her lips turn up in a small smile. 

"He's really lucky to have a sister like you who cares so much." 

"Well-" 

"Hey," Nick cuts her off, "you're a good sister. You dont need to convince me otherwise because I know that its not true." Tori offers a small smile. 

"I should probably take you home now. I dont want your mom to be mad at me." Nick adds. 

"Yeah you're probably right. I dont think that she would be too happy to know that I snuck out." 

The two of them drive back to The Spring's house listening to Call Me Maybe on a late night radio station. Neither of them have the energy to sing along but it lightens up the atmosphere.

"We're here" Nick says as he pulls into the driveway. 

"Yeah, I realized that, this is my house. I know where I am." Tori retorts. 

"Good to see that sassy Tori is back." Nick chuckles. Tori has the door halfway shut before she opens it again to say something.

"Thank you for picking my up tonight, Nick. Really. I really needed to talk about stuff." 

"Anytime. It was good talking to you, you're kind of the only other person who understands whats going on." 

"Goodnight, Nick." 

"Goodnight, Tori. Sweet dreams." 

Tori gets inside without a waking her parents and goes back to bed, finally feeling a weight lifted off her shoulders. Even though the feelings of guilt and dread will probably return in the morning, Tori Spring goes to bed finally knowing that there is someone out there who knows what shes feeling. Maybe things will be okay. 

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this at 2am directly into the ao3 word processor. you can tell me its a piece of garbage it won't hurt my feelings that much.


End file.
